Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium

S1 Round I

The first of the knockout rounds is here! Who will go through to the semi finals? Theodosius, Valerian, Thrax or Caracalla?

 

Also: Who were the bottom three in Fightius Maximus? And who were the top 5?

 

85 Augustulus

This is the end - my only friend - the end. Orestes has a plan to start a new golden age. It involves his son being the emperor, plus about a thousand problems magically going away.

Spoiler warning: he fails. But find out how!

Also: We figure out when the West was doomed to fail, plus whose fault it was!

Also: find out who would the public vote for the spare Je Na Caesar place.

And finally: we draw the rounds for the epic battle that will start next week! 

84 Nepos

 

Ok, seriously, someone needs to step up. Who can sort this mess out? What about the son of Majorians general, the nephew of one of the best generals of the age, the nephew of Leo, supported by Zeno and the east, a man with links to Syagrius and the Friendly Franks, a man who has been running Dalmatia very well for the last couple of years. He sounds good! 

Time for him to stand in the surf and demand the tide retreat... 

83 Glycerius

Ricimer is dead, the man behind the throne for the last two decades. Rome needs someone to fill his shoes, someone as cunning, as ruthless, as capable. Instead it was stuck with Glycerius. Oh well... 

82 Olybrius

Ok, the empire is falling, it is over run, there is no hope. But then up steps this man! Sure, he is a handy puppet caught in a vast game of politics between Ricimer and Leo, but that does not mean he can't make his mark on history! Sorry? Oh, it does mean that? oh. That's a shame.

81 Anthemius

He was destined to achieve great things, almost emperor of the East, then actual emperor of the West. With East and West unified once more and with the backing of his good friend Leo, how could Anthemius possibly lose? As long as he does nothing to annoy Ricimer, it will all be fine...

Also: Jamie has a new toy! And everyone should be kind and encourage his creativeness - he has been practising all week. 

80 Severus III

Severus III! The third of the Severuses. Watch as he singlehandedly rest- oh, sorry Ricimer, Didn't see you there. You want this episode to yourself? Oh, of course you can. Do you mind if we keep the title Severus III though? Just to keep things neat. Cheers. 

79 Majorian

The west is gulping the last of the air that it can get into its lungs. Calling it an empire is now merely an insult to empires everywhere. Britain is gone, the Danube is gone, Spain is gone, Africa is gone, and Gaul... Gaul looks shaky. But what's this? One last ditch attempt to restore the might of the Roman Empire? Will it succeed? There is less than 20 years till the Fall of the West, so you can probably guess the answer. But in the meantime, look how good Majorian looks while swinging an axe...

78 Avitus

Avitus!

A little known emperor that had a chance to turn the Roman Empire back towards the golden age...

Oh, the Empire is due to end in 20 years.... He has a deadline and he needs to be fast.

77 Petronius Maximus

Petronius had big dreams, by day he was a loyal senator, helping Valentinian keep the empire ticking over, but by night: by night he was scheming and plotting and planning and cackling. He was going to rule the empire, and when he did, he would show them all! Nothing would stop him! He was not scared of anyone or anything! Sorry? Who are coming? The Vandals... oh. oh dear. 

76 Marcian

It takes a brave man to stand up to Attila, it takes a lucky one to survive. Find out just how brave or lucky Marcian was. Also, find out: How an eagle save Marcian's life, where Marcian was during the wars and what Marcian got up to on his honey-moon (not much).

75 Valentinian III

It's all going wrong! It's all going wrong! Here is poor Valentinian, trying his hardest (well, at least his mother is) and his generals are doing nothing to stop the barbarians, they are too busy fighting amongst themselves. Britain has gone, Spain is going, Africa is going, Gaul is going, What is left? The empire is about to fall! Wait, who's this? Is that, no it can't be, is that Atilla the Hun? Oh £%@*.

74 Theodosius II

It all started so well... The walls were built, the persians fought off, the grain shipments sorted, the university founded, the law code created, everything was looking so good. But who's this coming over the hill? He looks scary. And he has a simple, but chilling demand. 'Give me gold, or I will crush you and everything you love - or my name isn't Atilla the Hun'. 

Oh dear...

73 Constantius III

The empire is a mess, a useless excuse for an emperor sits on the throne, Rome has been sacked, the barbarians are flooding in. It's time for someone to step up and take command. That's what Constantine III did, with results that perhaps seem more funny today than they did for Constantine at the time. But now it's Constantius III's turn. Will he share the same fate as Constantine III? well, probably not, since it was Constantius III that defeated Constantine III, but still, things are not looking good, it will take a serious man with serious determination to turn things around... 

72 Constantine III

Some poeple will be remembered for taking a chance, for seizing the day, for grasping the nettle, for being the one person at the time ready to stand up and say: 'This is my time damnit, and I will make it!'. However, unfortunatly, to be remembered for saying those things, you then need to actually follow them through. With Contantine III chances were indeed taken, but was a nettle grasped? Was a day seized? find out in this week's Totalus Rankium! 

71 Honorius

Widely regarded as one of the worst emperors in history. But why? What did he do that was so bad? And was it him, or his advisor Stilicho, or Olypius, or Jovius or Constantius? Or any of the others that were actually running things?

Who knows? All Honorius knows is that he likes it in Ravenna with it's nice tall walls and deep swamps and hopfully the rest of the world will sort its self out. Best to ignore it. Best to play with his chickens. 

70 Arcadius

Arcadius, our second puppet emperor. Judge him against most, then he won't do well, but how does he compare to Valentinian II? Is he as useless? Does he have any redeeming features? 

But let's be honest. No one is going to remember this as the Arcadius episode. This will always be the episode where Rob tells Jamie, in detail, how the Romans created their Eunuchs. Never before has a recording session been spent with as much time with crossed legs. 

69 Theodosius

East and West are splitting, political, cultural and religious differences are forcing this divide. But one man has the honour of being The Last Man To Rule The Undivided Empire. And he is know as The Great! what can possibly go wrong here? So, pull up a chair and listen as we find out just how great he is. does he rid the empire of the Goths? does he settle all the religious disputes? Oh, and check the exits... always check the exits... this one has a temper.

68 Valentinian II

It's tough being 4 years old. Everything is too big, you have to eat your greens, you are getting to grips with this toilet business, and your mother and the most powerful bishop in the west of the empire are playing tug-of-war with your existence. Oh, and a scary man with a cool name, who already killed your brother, is coming to kill you also. 

It took Little Val several years before he attempted to get control over his fate... in retrospect, maybe he shouldn't have bothered. 

67 Magnus Maximus

The Nameth Maketh the Maneth. Or at least so though Magnus' parents, who clearly thought that calling their dear child the 'Greatest Great' who ensure great things. And, to be fair, he became an Roman emperor. But does he live up to the name? Why does he hate heretics? And why does he need to please the Bishop Ambrose, despite the fact that he hates the man? Find out in this week's Totalus Rankium!