Valens never expected to be emperor, but now he was, damn it, he was going to do it well! He was going East. He was going to show that Sharpur a - sorry? what's that? Usurpers you say? and Goths? Oh. ok, He'll sort them out first, but then, then he will sort out the East. As soon as he's sorted out the Goths. Where are they? Adrianople? How hard can this be?
The Constantinians are dead! It is time for a brave new start, it's time for the one and only Valentian to step forward! Who, you ask? You remeber him, he is the son of the trator who was responsble for Jovians father-in-law's death. No? he ran away from teh barbarians under Babatio. that's the one! let's see how he does... is he strong eough to found a dynasty, to put down two reolts and countless invasions? Let's find out!
Let's face it: Jovian got a bum deal. No other Roman emperor in history started off in such dire circumstances. He is deep in enemy territory, surrounded by a superior force, he has no food, no water, few horses - which are refusing to stay inflated. His men are starting to look at each other as if they are wondering just how tasty Ryanus is. The bridge can't be built, the Persians are calling them names and the elephants, well, they stink!
All he has to do is get back home to Constantinople and all will be well...
Julian is one of the most beloved of the latter emperors by historians, but why? Find out what he did in Gual, how he misspelt ‘send’ as ‘burn’, what caused him to revolt, why did the people of Antioch hated his beard, and how he dealt with Shapur II.
Does he live up to the hype? find out in this week’s Totalus Rankium!
The third and middle brother of the Brothers Constantine. Constanius II had a lot on his plate: The Persians, the Sarmatians, the Alimanni, Magnetius, Vitranio, Gallus, Silianus, Julius… Still, all he needs to do is keep a level head and not go all purgey. There is nothing so bad that a few cunningly plotted schemes can’t sort out. Now, time to choose a Caesar, there must be at least one member of the family he hasn’t killed yet…
It’s always hard being the little brother, your big brothers never seem to respect you. Not until a sharply worded note, threatening to kill them and all they hold dear, forces a smidgen of respect out of them. Constans has a divided empire and angry bishops to deal with. Could he be the son to live up to the father? Find out this week!
Also: a very very Roman (honest) quiz at the end!
It is said that it is the hardest thing in the world to be a Great Man's son. Well, Constantine II managed to prove that in his mostly useless life... To be fair, he had a rough start in life, holding the towl while your father drowns your mother in front of your eyes has to have an effect on a young man. However, maybe he has hideen depths that we can find!
Also, find out about the young Athanasius, he hated the Arian movement and loved his home of Alexandria, it's a shame he rarely got to visit...
Perhaps more than any other emperor, a myth has arisen around the emperor Constantine. He was the emperor who turned the empire christian! He built Constantinople! He created an empire that lasted 1000 years! He had a magic standard! But did he? Join us as we look into Constantine the Great: find out what his favourite type of tent was! His favourite method of crossing swamps and why the first Christmas’ of Rome were very awkward…
We are down to the final two! Who will come out on top? The young but ambitious Constantine or the more experienced Licinius? Well, it’s Licinius first, so you can probably guess… but exactly how did Licinius fail? was it a brave last stand, refusing to bow down to superior numbers? Or did he slowly become humiliated after being beaten over and over resulting in him running away what seems every other week. We’ll give you two guesses which.
Also: Find out what Season 2 is of Totalus Rankium!
From farm hand to right hand man to the emperor to the emperor himself. Daia'a story should be a grand one of rags to riches. We suppose it is, but Jack never started persecuting entire religions after buying his magic beans (just one giant) - that kind of puts a dampener on the feel-good story. But maybe Daia has merely fallen foul of bias sources? maybe those IKEA-style torture instructions are fake, maybe he didn't drive Diocletian to suicide, maybe he was a good egg. In fact, he most definitely was! he was great! we love him! AAGGH, we've looked into his eyes too long! save us!
This week the son of mighty Maximian is under the microscope. Does Maxentius live up to his father? or even go beyond? He is not invited to the Tetrachic Party and he is not happy. Find out how the simple garden pea can masterfully be deployed as a metaphor for the pursuit for power.
Also: We say goodbye to the Praetorian Guard, so we look back and decide on the best Praetorian Prefect.
Severus II. If you liked Severus, that will probably have no bearing on your opinion of Severus II. He was given the chance to rule by the current emperor; all he had to do was defeated the last emperor using the last emperors army against him… hmmm. anyone spot the flaw?
Also: this week we look into the Edict of Maximum Prices! can Rob convince Jamie that this is interesting? find out!
The 4th of the original Tetrarchs and perhaps the most controversial. Was he a genocidal maniac, hellbent on eradicating monotheism? Or did he simple want to teach the christians some discipline? Galerius himself has questions: Was his father a snake? What do the Arminians keep under their armour? Where is Valerian nowadays? And why do the Christians not want to stop being Christian? After all, he is killing a lot of them, surely they should be more co-operative?
"Well done Constantius! You are Caesar! You now rule all the land from here to... well, you see that island over there? Yes? The one held by the enemy, that's the one, yes, well, that's now yours! well done! Off you go to rule..."
See how Constantius tackles the might of the roaring English Channel and the screaming Frankish pirates. Can he defeat the first British Empire? Find out in this week's Totalus Rankium!
Diocletian, Diocletian, Diocletian... That's all anyone wants to talk about. But his colleague Maximian has a lot to offer! Or at least he thinks he does. He is one of Rome's longest rulers, so what did he actually do? Find out: How he lost a Provence with a badly worded note! how he attempted to invade using wardrobes! How he spent his peaceful retirement! And much much more!
"Crisis? What Crisis?" these words may have brought down a labour govenment in the 1970s*, but when Diocletian uttered them in in the 280s everyone saw it as a challenge chaos that had prevaled for the last 50 years. Let's face it, it's time someone rolled up their sleves and sorted this mess out...
*apologies for the semi-obscure 70s UK politics reference.
The end of the Crisis is here! Does Carinus usher in a new golden age? Or is he the last of the dregs that have to be hosed down the drain pipe before Rome can get on its feet again? You can probably guess by the length of the episode! But who knows? Maybe he has that certain Je Na Caesar?
Murder! Death! Intrigue! ok, Numerian's rule was no more interesting than you last drive across the country, but with added eye pain, but his death is a murder mystery that would make Columbo stop and ask just one more thing. So, who killed him? The evil Aper, or the diabolical Diocles?
Carus may well have done some shocking things; electrified the people of Rome with his lightning speed and thunderous voice. He may have seen the storm clouds brewing over Persia and decided it was time to show some Shock and Awe. He may have bolted out of Antioch and with javelins and forks ready to strike. But unfortunately, we don't know. Our sources have dried up a bit... But at least we know how he died! (sort of).
The empire is looking much better, but do not be fooled! Land Pirates stalk the..er..land, U2 have taken over the fleet and usurpers are in every corner. The East is lost! The West is Lost! Will Probus get them back? Will he in fact get them back before even finishing the letter informing him of the loss? Will he figure out where all his cows keep going? Find out in this week's episode of Totalus Rankium!
