Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium

26 Elagabalus

Bassianus to his mother, Antoninus to the troops (sort of), 'The Assyrian' behind his back and Elagabalus to history. This is one emperor who has made a name (or several) for himself. But who is the man (boy) behind the myth? Did he kill boys? (Probably not) Did he throw cattle at people? (maybe not) Did he invent the Whoopie Cushion? (Yes). What we do know is that the senate hated him. And they have the quills...

25 Macrinus

He did what he had to do to survive... he killed an emperor. Good news: he got away with it! Bad news: he is now emperor. And there is an angry Parthian king wanting to know about this little invasion thing that happened a few weeks ago. And the family of the last emperor is not too pleased. And nor is the senate. Oh well, time to roll up those sleeves and tell the army that they are having a pay cut...

24 Caracalla

Can the empire survive now that it down to just one emperor? Will it cope? Well, it should be fine as long as the man in charge in hard working - check; dedicated to the troops - check; looks to keep the empire protected - check; and doesn't massacre entire cities at the drop of a hat due to one person mentioning his brother... ah. Maybe Caracalla isn't the best man for the job... But he does have a fetching floor-length cloak with a hood that he can stand around looking evil in - that is that.

23 Geta

Severus is dead, and he leaves behind two sons to rule the empire. One problem... The brothers despise each other. We mean really, really hate each other. This is no only-talk-at-christmas-to-keep-mother-happy kind of fall out, this is full-on let's-hire-guards-to-watch-me-sleep-as-I-dont-think-i'll-wake-up-otherwise kind of hate. Let's see how they get on trying to run an empire...

22 Septimius Severus

In the year that held 5 possible emperors, only one would come out on top! Who would was anyone's guess... Well, sort of... No one expected Julianus to last. And Pertinax obviously was upsetting too many Praetorians. Oh, and Albinus clearly was not in a strong enough position without the backing of the German legions. And as for Niger, well he just needed to get a bloody move on! But still, the empire was up for grabs and one man saw a way to take it, re-mould it and hand it to the next generation with pride...

21 Didius Julianus

The emperor is dead! Long live...erm... anyone want the job? Didius Julianus is persuaded by his family and a couple of so-called friends to have a stab at the top job. Now everyone wants a stab at him. Poor Julianus. If only one of his 48 plans to survive actually worked...

20 Pertinax

Hurrah! The mad man is dead! now it is time to usher in a new Golden Age! An age of reason and understanding, with no corruption and where everyone works to help fulfil the potential might of the empire. These were the thoughts of Pertinax when he took the helm of the empire, unfortunately for him, it turns out that quite a lot of people like corruption in the empire. It means you can do things like get rich at other people's expense. Hopefully Pertinax has a good speech up his sleeve to convince these people that the honest path is the right path...

19 Commodus

Marcus is dead, and now his son is in charge. That's right: Tin-hat wearing, Bat-poo crazy Commodus. How bad can this be?

18 Marcus Aurelius

Marcus Aurelius. He had a tough life what with everyone in the world dying around him. All he wanted to do was curl up with a good book, but fate had other things in store for him. Those things included him freezing in a tent surrounded by angry barbarians. Poor Marcus. But if there is one thing that Marcus knows how to do well, it’s DEALING WITH IT. 

 

 

 

17 Lucius Verus

Hadrian wanted Marcus to rule. Antoninus Pius wanted Marcus to rule. The senate wanted Marcus to rule. Marcus wanted to read his books so asked his little brother for some help. Fortunately for the empire, Marcus' brother was Lucius Verus; a man who had great qualities such as loving drink, gambling, chariot racing and beating people up in taverns... oh... hang on... That's not a good sign is it?

16 Antoninus Pius

Antonius Pius ws well known for doing just about nothing for 23 years. Great for his subjects, less good for historians who want a juicy story. However, we dive into his life to see if there was anything of interest in his life. Find out: All bout the mythical talking dogs! How a bunch of students changed the course of history! Who build that ditch in Scotland! and much more! 

 ALSO - special bonus review of the film Gladiator at the end of the episode recorded when we should possibly have put down the drink and gone to bed.

15 Hadrian

The third of the Five Good Emperors, Hadrian is one of the most well known of all the emperors. Mainly due to a wall be probably never thought of again after ordering its construction. But what else does Hadrian have to offer? Was he all good? Why did he start a religion? Why did he grow a beard? Why was he angry when his doctor killed himself? So he built a wall. And he had a beard. But does he have... it? 

14 Trajan

Long ago, a wise man said that the boundaries of the empire should remain static, that it was at it's largest extent. So wise was this man that his name became synonymous with the title of the Emperor. Augustus said it was so, so it was... Until Trajan thought - nah. Let's go and invade some people! Find out hoe Brian Blessed faired against the might of the Empire, How to kill someone with a polite horse and who discovered the tomato! 

13 Nerva

The Senate finally get one of their men in! At long last the emperor is on the side of the group of old men in sheets rather than angry men with pointy things... nothing can go wrong... surely?

Also find out about:

The easiest siege in history!

The worst Forum in history!

The best detective agency in history!

And much much more...

 

12 Domitian

The Flies! The Flies! Domitian had a number of problems growing up, mainly the fact that his family kept dying or ignoring him. He was the son to the most powerful man in the world, so why wasn’t ever allowed to do anything? It was just so unfair! Then, thanks to the untimely death of his brother he suddenly found him self in charge of the whole empire! The world was his! If only those pesky flies would stop bothering him… 

11 Titus

Vespasian is dead... Who could replace him? The Nero-esque son? surly not! Not with the mountains exploding and the cities burning and the plague plaguing. Will Titus be able to cope? find out in this weeks episode...

10 Vespasian

Father Flav. Founder of the Flavian Dynasty. He sat on the sides watching Rome rip itself apart and scooped in at the end to pick up the pieces. Does this make him a hero or a coward? Learn how he won a triumph T-shirt, how he could heal the blind by spitting on them and how he started train stations charging to go to the toilet... 

09 Vitellius

The Roman world is in crisis. It needs a strong leader, someone to steady the ship, to allow people to retain their hope for the future... That man is on his way! Until he gets here however, we have this week's Emperor to get through. It's Vitellius. Liked by his troops if no one else, he was a man who knew how to party. He was a good friend of both Caligula and Nero... this is possibly all you need to know to guess how well his reign went. 

08 Otho

Otho! He was a man with a dream, a simple dream... a dream to become the most powerful man in the world! Did he succeed? Or did a combination of sailors, traffic jams, moody guards and incompetent generals let him down? find out in this week's episode of Roman Emperors: Totals Rankium! 

07 Galba

Strict. If you were to choose one adjective from the multitude of adjectives available, strict would be the one that you would use (knowing full well that Gala would appreciate the subjunctive form). So what if he is the first of four emperors in 69CE? So what that he doesn't last long? Who cares if he is clearly a public school headmaster from 1950's England in disguise? All that needs to be answered is, does he have a certain Je Na Caesar? (and why, oh why, did he not just pay the bloody Praetorian Guard a damn bonus?)