UA-78519838-1 Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium
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S1 Round IV

December 9th, 2017

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Round IV: Who will go through? The mighty Diocletian, the horrible Galerius, the amazing Constantius II or the good-looking Majorian?

Also: we look at the best looking busts and coins of the empire. 

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S1 Round III

December 2nd, 2017

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The third of the 6 knockout rounds, this week we see the mighty Augustus go up against the stoic Marcus and fascinating Constantius II. Oh, and Constnatius I also.

Also: see who the most and least successful emperors were! 

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S1 Round II

November 25th, 2017

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Second of the knockout round. This week, Valentian and his bears v Otho and his toupee v Caligula and his crazy v Julianus and his fear.

Also: we look at Opprobrium Crazium: who were the sanest and the craziest emperors? 

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S1 Round I

November 18th, 2017

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The first of the knockout rounds is here! Who will go through to the semi finals? Theodosius, Valerian, Thrax or Caracalla?

 

Also: Who were the bottom three in Fightius Maximus? And who were the top 5?

 

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85 Augustulus

November 11th, 2017

85_Augustulus.jpgThis is the end - my only friend - the end. Orestes has a plan to start a new golden age. It involves his son being the emperor, plus about a thousand problems magically going away.

Spoiler warning: he fails. But find out how!

Also: We figure out when the West was doomed to fail, plus whose fault it was!

Also: find out who would the public vote for the spare Je Na Caesar place.

And finally: we draw the rounds for the epic battle that will start next week! 

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84 Nepos

November 4th, 2017

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Ok, seriously, someone needs to step up. Who can sort this mess out? What about the son of Majorians general, the nephew of one of the best generals of the age, the nephew of Leo, supported by Zeno and the east, a man with links to Syagrius and the Friendly Franks, a man who has been running Dalmatia very well for the last couple of years. He sounds good! 

Time for him to stand in the surf and demand the tide retreat... 

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83 Glycerius

November 4th, 2017

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Ricimer is dead, the man behind the throne for the last two decades. Rome needs someone to fill his shoes, someone as cunning, as ruthless, as capable. Instead it was stuck with Glycerius. Oh well... 

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82 Olybrius

October 28th, 2017

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Ok, the empire is falling, it is over run, there is no hope. But then up steps this man! Sure, he is a handy puppet caught in a vast game of politics between Ricimer and Leo, but that does not mean he can't make his mark on history! Sorry? Oh, it does mean that? oh. That's a shame.

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81 Anthemius

October 21st, 2017

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He was destined to achieve great things, almost emperor of the East, then actual emperor of the West. With East and West unified once more and with the backing of his good friend Leo, how could Anthemius possibly lose? As long as he does nothing to annoy Ricimer, it will all be fine...

Also: Jamie has a new toy! And everyone should be kind and encourage his creativeness - he has been practising all week. 

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80 Severus III

October 14th, 2017

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Severus III! The third of the Severuses. Watch as he singlehandedly rest- oh, sorry Ricimer, Didn't see you there. You want this episode to yourself? Oh, of course you can. Do you mind if we keep the title Severus III though? Just to keep things neat. Cheers. 

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79 Majorian

October 7th, 2017

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The west is gulping the last of the air that it can get into its lungs. Calling it an empire is now merely an insult to empires everywhere. Britain is gone, the Danube is gone, Spain is gone, Africa is gone, and Gaul... Gaul is looks shaky. But what's this? one last ditch attempt to restore the might of the Roman Empire? Will it succeed? There is less than 20 years till the Fall of the West, so you can probably guess the answer. But in the meantime, look how good Majorian looks while swinging an axe...

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78 Avitus

September 23rd, 2017

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Avitus!

A little known emperor that had a chance to turn the Roman Empire back towards the golden age...

Oh, the Empire is due to end in 20 years.... He has a deadline and he needs to be fast.

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77 Petronius Maximus

September 15th, 2017

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Petronius had big dreams, by day he was a loyal senator, helping Valentinian keep the empire ticking over, but by night: by night he was scheming and plotting and planning and cackling. He was going to rule the empire, and when he did, he would show them all! Nothing would stop him! he was not scared of anyone or anything! Sorry? Who are coming? The Vandals... oh. oh dear. 

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76 Marcian

September 8th, 2017

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It takes a brave man to stand up to Attila, it takes a lucky one to survive. Find out just how brave or lucky Marcian was. Also, find out: How an eagle save Marcian's life, where Marcian was during the wars and what Marcian got up to on his honey-moon (not much).

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75 Valentinian III

September 2nd, 2017

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It's all going wrong! It's all going wrong! Here is poor Valentinian, trying his hardest (well, at least his mother is) and his generals are doing nothing to stop the barbarians, they are too busy fighting amongst themselves. Britain has gone, Spain is going, Africa is going, Gauls is going, What is left? The empire is about to fall! Wait, whose this? is that, no it can't be, is that Atilla the Hun? Oh £%@*.

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74 Theodosius II

August 26th, 2017

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It all started so well... The walls were built, the persians fought off, the grain shipments sorted, the university founded, the law code created, everything was looking so good. But who's this coming over the hill? He looks scary. And he has a simple, but chilling demand. 'Give me gold, or I will crush you and everything you love - or my name isn't Atilla the Hun'. 

Oh dear...

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73 Constantius III

August 19th, 2017

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The empire is a mess, a useless excuse for an emperor sits on the throne, Rome has been sacked, the barbarians are flooding in. It's time for someone to step up and take command. That's what Constantine III did, with results that perhaps seem more funny today than they did for Constantine at the time. But now it's Constantius III's turn. Will he share the same fate as Constantine III? well, probably not, since it was Constantius III that defeated Constantine III, but still, things are not looking good, it will take a serious man with serious determination to turn things around... 

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72 Constantine III

August 11th, 2017

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Some poeple will be remembered for taking a chance, for seizing the day, for grasping the nettle, for being the one person at the time ready to stand up and say: 'This is my time damnit, and i will make it!'. However, unfortunatly, to be remembered for saying those things, you then need to actually follow it through. With Contantine III chances were indeed taken, but was a nettle grasped? Was a day seized? find out in this week's Totalus Rankium! 

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71 Honorius

August 5th, 2017

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Widely regarded as one of the worst emperors in history. But why? What did he do that was so bad? And was it him, or his advisor Stilicho, or Olypius, or Jovius or Constantius? Or any of the others that were actually running things?

Who knows. All H knows is that he likes it in Ravenna with it's nice tall walls and deep swamps and hopfully the rest of the world will sort its self out. Best to ignore it. Best to play with his chickens. 

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70 Arcadius

July 29th, 2017

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Arcadius, our second puppet emperor. Judge him against most, then he wont do well, but how does he compare to Valentinian II? Is he as useless? Does he have any redeeming features? 

But let's be honest. No one is going to remember this as the Arcadius episode. THis will always be the episode where Rob tells Jamie, in detail, how the Romans created their Eunuchs. Never before has a recording session been spent with as much time with crossed legs. 

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