UA-78519838-1 Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium
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77 Petronius Maximus

September 15th, 2017

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Petronius had big dreams, by day he was a loyal senator, helping Valentinian keep the empire ticking over, but by night: by night he was scheming and plotting and planning and cackling. He was going to rule the empire, and when he did, he would show them all! Nothing would stop him! he was not scared of anyone or anything! Sorry? Who are coming? The Vandals... oh. oh dear. 

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76 Marcian

September 8th, 2017

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It takes a brave man to stand up to Attila, it takes a lucky one to survive. Find out just how brave or lucky Marcian was. Also, find out: How an eagle save Marcian's life, where Marcian was during the wars and what Marcian got up to on his honey-moon (not much).

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75 Valentinian III

September 2nd, 2017

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It's all going wrong! It's all going wrong! Here is poor Valentinian, trying his hardest (well, at least his mother is) and his generals are doing nothing to stop the barbarians, they are too busy fighting amongst themselves. Britain has gone, Spain is going, Africa is going, Gauls is going, What is left? The empire is about to fall! Wait, whose this? is that, no it can't be, is that Atilla the Hun? Oh £%@*.

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74 Theodosius II

August 26th, 2017

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It all started so well... The walls were built, the persians fought off, the grain shipments sorted, the university founded, the law code created, everything was looking so good. But who's this coming over the hill? He looks scary. And he has a simple, but chilling demand. 'Give me gold, or I will crush you and everything you love - or my name isn't Atilla the Hun'. 

Oh dear...

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73 Constantius III

August 19th, 2017

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The empire is a mess, a useless excuse for an emperor sits on the throne, Rome has been sacked, the barbarians are flooding in. It's time for someone to step up and take command. That's what Constantine III did, with results that perhaps seem more funny today than they did for Constantine at the time. But now it's Constantius III's turn. Will he share the same fate as Constantine III? well, probably not, since it was Constantius III that defeated Constantine III, but still, things are not looking good, it will take a serious man with serious determination to turn things around... 

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72 Constantine III

August 11th, 2017

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Some poeple will be remembered for taking a chance, for seizing the day, for grasping the nettle, for being the one person at the time ready to stand up and say: 'This is my time damnit, and i will make it!'. However, unfortunatly, to be remembered for saying those things, you then need to actually follow it through. With Contantine III chances were indeed taken, but was a nettle grasped? Was a day seized? find out in this week's Totalus Rankium! 

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71 Honorius

August 5th, 2017

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Widely regarded as one of the worst emperors in history. But why? What did he do that was so bad? And was it him, or his advisor Stilicho, or Olypius, or Jovius or Constantius? Or any of the others that were actually running things?

Who knows. All H knows is that he likes it in Ravenna with it's nice tall walls and deep swamps and hopfully the rest of the world will sort its self out. Best to ignore it. Best to play with his chickens. 

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70 Arcadius

July 29th, 2017

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Arcadius, our second puppet emperor. Judge him against most, then he wont do well, but how does he compare to Valentinian II? Is he as useless? Does he have any redeeming features? 

But let's be honest. No one is going to remember this as the Arcadius episode. THis will always be the episode where Rob tells Jamie, in detail, how the Romans created their Eunuchs. Never before has a recording session been spent with as much time with crossed legs. 

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69 Theodosius

July 22nd, 2017

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East and West are splitting, political, cultural and religious differences are forcing this divide. But one man has the honour of being The Last Man To Rule The Undivided Empire. And he is know as The Great! what can possibly go wrong here? So, pull up a chair and listen as we find out just how great he is. does he rid the empire of the Goths? does he settle all the religious disputes? Oh, and check the exits... always check the exits... this one has a temper.

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68 Valentinian II

July 15th, 2017

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It's tough being 4 years old. Everything is too big, you have to eat your greens, you are getting to grips with this toilet business, and your mother and the most powerful bishop in the west of the empire are playing tug-of-war with your existence. Oh, and a scary man with a cool name, who already killed your brother, is coming to kill you also. 

It took Little Val several years before he attempted to get control over his fate... in retrospect, maybe he shouldn't have bothered. 

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67 Magnus Maximus

July 7th, 2017

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The Nameth Maketh the Maneth. Or at least so though Magnus' parents, who clearly though that calling their dear child the 'Greatest Great' who ensure great things. And, to be fair, he became an Roman emperor. But does he live up to the name? why does he hate heretics? and why does he need to please the Bishop Ambrose, despite the fact that he hates the man? Find out i this week's Totalus Rankium! 

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66 Gratian

June 24th, 2017

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Gratian has some big sandals to fill. His father was a Je Na Caesar winner with a score comfortably in the top ten. Knowing this when he took the purple, he knew he would have to impress. But then his uncle messed everything up. Goths are running amuck, Huns are on their way and the Allimanni are still playing up. Will he sort it out? or will he pass the buck at the first opportunity? Oh, and who is this Magnus Maximus guy? He has a great name. The greatest... 

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65 Valens

June 17th, 2017

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Valens never expected to be emperor, but now he was, damn it, he was going to do it well! He was going East. He was going to show that Sharpur a - sorry? what's that? Usurpers you say? and Goths? Oh. ok, He'll sort them out first, but then, then he will sort out the East. As soon as he's sorted out the Goths. Where are they? Adrianople? How hard can this be? 

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64 Valentinian

June 10th, 2017

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The Constantinians are dead! It is time for a brave new start, it's time for the one and only Valentian to step forward! Who, you ask? You remeber him, he is the son of the trator who was responsble for Jovians father-in-law's death. No? he ran away from teh barbarians under Babatio. that's the one! let's see how he does... is he strong eough to found a dynasty, to put down two reolts and countless invasions? Let's find out! 

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63 Jovian

May 27th, 2017

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Let's face it: Jovian got a bum deal. No other Roman emperor in history started off in such dire circumstances. He is deep in enemy territory, surrounded by a superior force, he has no food, no water, few horses - which are refusing to stay inflated. His men are starting to look at each other as if they are wondering just how tasty Ryanus is. The bridge can't be built, the Persians are calling them names and the elephants, well, they stink!

All he has to do is get back home to Constantinople and all will be well...

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62 Julian

May 20th, 2017

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Julian is one of the most beloved of the latter emperors by historians, but why? Find out what he did in Gual, how he misspelt ‘send’ as ‘burn’, what caused him to revolt, why did the people of Antioch hated his beard, and how he dealt with Shapur II.

 

Does he live up to the hype? find out in this week’s Totalus Rankium!

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61 Constantius II

May 12th, 2017

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The third and middle brother of the Brothers Constantine. Constanius II had a lot on his plate: The Persians, the Sarmatians, the Alimanni, Magnetius, Vitranio, Gallus, Silianus, Julius… Still, all he needs to do is keep a level head and not go all purgey. There is nothing so bad that a few cunningly plotted schemes can’t sort out. Now, time to choose a Caesar, there must be at least one member of the family he hasn’t killed yet…

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60 Constans

May 6th, 2017

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It’s always hard being the little brother, your big brothers never seem to respect you. Not until a sharply worded note, threatening to kill them and all they hold dear, forces a smidgen of respect out of them. Constans has a divided empire and angry bishops to deal with. Could he be the son to live up to the father? Find out this week!

 

Also: a very very Roman (honest) quiz at the end!

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59 Constantine II

April 28th, 2017

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It is said that it is the hardest thing in the world to be a Great Man's son. Well, Constantine II managed to prove that in his mostly useless life... To be fair, he had a rough start in life, holding the towl while your father drowns your mother in front of your eyes has to have an effect on a young man. However, maybe he has hideen depths that we can find! 

 

Also, find out about the young Athanasius, he hated the Arian movement and loved his home of Alexandria, it's a shame he rarely got to visit...

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58 Constantine

April 15th, 2017

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Perhaps more than any other emperor, a myth has arisen around the emperor Constantine. He was the emperor who turned the empire christian! He built Constantinople! He created an empire that lasted 1000 years! He had a magic standard! But did he? Join us as we look into Constantine the Great: find out what his favourite type of tent was! His favourite method of crossing swamps and why the first Christmas’ of Rome were very awkward…

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