UA-78519838-1 Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium
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57 Licinius

April 8th, 2017


We are down to the final two! Who will come out on top? The young but ambitious Constantine or the more experienced Licinius? Well, it’s Licinius first, so you can probably guess… but exactly how did Licinius fail? was it a brave last stand, refusing to bow down to superior numbers? Or did he slowly become humiliated after being beaten over and over resulting in him running away what seems every other week. We’ll give you two guesses which. 


Also: Find out what Season 2 is of Totalus Rankium! 


56 Maximinus Daia

April 1st, 2017


From farm hand to right hand man to the emperor to the emperor himself. Daia'a story should be a grand one of rags to riches. We suppose it is, but Jack never started persecuting entire religions after buying his magic beans (just one giant) - that kind of puts a dampener on the feel-good story. But maybe Daia has merely fallen foul of bias sources? maybe those IKEA-style torture instructions are fake, maybe he didn't drive Diocletian to suicide, maybe he was a good egg. In fact, he most definitely was! he was great! we love him! AAGGH, we've looked into his eyes too long! save us! 


55 Maxentius

March 25th, 2017


This week the son of mighty Maximian is under the microscope. Does Maxentius live up to his father? or even go beyond? He is not invited to the Tetrachic Party and he is not happy. Find out how the simple garden pea can masterfully be deployed as a metaphor for the pursuit for power.


Also: We say goodbye to the Praetorian Guard, so we look back and decide on the best Praetorian Prefect.


54 Severus II

March 11th, 2017


Severus II. If you liked Severus, that will probably have no bearing on your opinion of Severus II. He was given the chance to rule by the current emperor; all he had to do was defeated the last emperor using the last emperors army against him… hmmm. anyone spot the flaw?

Also: this week we look into the Edict of Maximum Prices! can Rob convince Jamie that this is interesting? find out! 


53 Galerius

March 4th, 2017


The 4th of the original Tetrarchs and perhaps the most controversial. Was he a genocidal maniac, hellbent on eradicating monotheism? Or did he simple want to teach the christians some discipline? Galerius himself has questions: Was his father a snake? What do the Arminians keep under their armour? Where is Valerian nowadays? And why do the Christians not want to stop being Christian? After all, he is killing a lot of them, surely they should be more co-operative? 


52 Constantius

February 25th, 2017


"Well done Constantius! You are Caesar! You now rule all the land from here to... well, you see that island over there? Yes? The one held by the enemy, that's the one, yes, well, that's now yours! well done! Off you go to rule..."

See how Constantius tackles the might of the roaring English Channel and the screaming Frankish pirates. Can he defeat the first British Empire? Find out in this week's Totalus Rankium!


51 Maximian

February 17th, 2017


Diocletian, Diocletian, Diocletian... That's all anyone wants to talk about. But his colleague Maximian has a lot to offer! Or at least he thinks he does. He is one of Rome's longest rulers, so what did he actually do? Find out: How he lost a Provence with a badly worded note! how he attempted to invade using wardrobes! How he spent his peaceful retirement! And much much more!


50 Diocletian

February 10th, 2017


"Crisis? What Crisis?" these words may have brought down a labour govenment in the 1970s*, but when Diocletian uttered them in in the 280s everyone saw it as a challenge chaos that had prevaled for the last 50 years. Let's face it, it's time someone rolled up their sleves and sorted this mess out...

*apologies for the semi-obscure 70s UK politics reference. 


49 Carinus

February 4th, 2017


The end of the Crisis is here! Does Carinus usher in a new golden age? Or is he the last of the dregs that have to be hosed down the drain pipe before Rome can get on its feet again? You can probably guess by the length of the episode! But who knows? Maybe he has that certain Je Na Caesar?


48 Numerian

February 4th, 2017


Murder! Death! Intrigue! ok, Numerian's rule was no more interesting than you last drive across the country, but with added eye pain, but his death is a murder mystery that would make Columbo stop and ask just one more thing. So, who killed him? The evil Aper, or the diabolical Diocles? 


47 Carus

January 28th, 2017


Carus may well have done some shocking things; electrified the people of Rome with his lightning speed and thunderous voice. He may have seen the storm clouds brewing over Persia and decided it was time to show some Shock and Awe. He may have bolted out of Antioch and with javelins and forks ready to strike. But unfortunately, we don't know. Our sources have dried up a bit... But at least we know how he died! (sort of).


46 Probus

January 28th, 2017


The empire is looking much better, but do not be fooled! Land Pirates stalk, U2 have taken over the fleet and usurpers are in every corner. The East is lost! The West is Lost! Will Probus get them back? Will he in fact get them back before even finishing the letter informing him of the loss? Will he figure out where all his cows keep going? Find out in this week's episode of Totalus Rankium!


45 Florianus

January 21st, 2017


Let's be honest, there is not much to say about Florianus. But this is the perfect opportunity to look back at the series so far with out half-season review!

Also: Half season quiz! who will come out on top?


44 Tacitus

January 21st, 2017


Aurelian is dead! Who can fill his shoes? Who wants to fill his shoes? Anyone? Anyone at all? You! You there! With the frown, you can be emperor!

Tacitus doesn't want the job - he is old and wants to look after his glassware collection. But he has no choice, time to step up and led Rome out of the Crisis...  


43 Aurelian

January 14th, 2017


One day, a simple farmer looked around at the devastation of his homeland. He turned to his son and talked wistfully about the Good Old Days. When finishing this heart wrenching tale, the old man died. The son's heart filled with rage - his father's life had been one of misery. Who to blame? Everyone! what to do? Become Emperor and take over the world!* Join us as we see how Aurelian's life faired after this. What was his pet snake called? Why should you never open the door during a coup? Did we remember all the Barbarians? Whose elephant is this? Find out answers to all of this and more!

*This story is in no way true. Probably. I mean, who knows? maybe it did happen. 


42 Quintillus

January 7th, 2017


Sorry? Who?


Oh, look! Aurelian's coming! 


41 Claudius II

January 7th, 2017


Claudius II: This time it's hyped up! Find out wht the Historia Augusta claims that this man was the best emperor in the history of Rome bar Constantine himself. Find out how he fought barbarians and... other stuff. That he must have done. I mean, he is obviously great, the Historia Augusta told us so... so he must be. Yep. 


40 Gallienus

December 31st, 2016


His father is captured, his sons are in the care of men who would rather see him dead and the empire is close to being split in twane-plus-one (thrane?). What gallienus needs is a plan, a lot of courage, determination, an adjective to describe thirds and a 'Trusted General'. He has most of these, unfortuantly Roger the messenger keeps interupting all the bloody time!


39 Valerian

December 24th, 2016


So here we are, hitting rock bottom. Valerian seemed to not want to wield too much power, but now he does, he is not going to sit back and do nothing while the empire falls around him. He is going to teach that pesky Shapur a lesson! With his mighty (cough) army, (cough cough) he will go east (cough) and... why does everyone look so ill? Oh dear. 


38 Aemilianus

December 24th, 2016


Aemilanus staged a coup. It was to be the defining moment of his life, from then on, his entire life was about fighting for the empire. Day after day he would work at keeping the purple. He fully believed in his men and their ability to take on the Rhine legions under the command of Valerian. It's a shame no one else believed it...


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