Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium

43 Aurelian

One day, a simple farmer looked around at the devastation of his homeland. He turned to his son and talked wistfully about the Good Old Days. When finishing this heart wrenching tale, the old man died. The son's heart filled with rage - his father's life had been one of misery. Who to blame? Everyone! what to do? Become Emperor and take over the world!* Join us as we see how Aurelian's life faired after this. What was his pet snake called? Why should you never open the door during a coup? Did we remember all the Barbarians? Whose elephant is this? Find out answers to all of this and more!

*This story is in no way true. Probably. I mean, who knows? maybe it did happen. 

42 Quintillus

Sorry? Who?

 

Oh, look! Aurelian's coming! 

41 Claudius II

Claudius II: This time it's hyped up! Find out wht the Historia Augusta claims that this man was the best emperor in the history of Rome bar Constantine himself. Find out how he fought barbarians and... other stuff. That he must have done. I mean, he is obviously great, the Historia Augusta told us so... so he must be. Yep. 

40 Gallienus

His father is captured, his sons are in the care of men who would rather see him dead and the empire is close to being split in twane-plus-one (thrane?). What gallienus needs is a plan, a lot of courage, determination, an adjective to describe thirds and a 'Trusted General'. He has most of these, unfortuantly Roger the messenger keeps interupting all the bloody time!

39 Valerian

So here we are, hitting rock bottom. Valerian seemed to not want to wield too much power, but now he does, he is not going to sit back and do nothing while the empire falls around him. He is going to teach that pesky Shapur a lesson! With his mighty (cough) army, (cough cough) he will go east (cough) and... why does everyone look so ill? Oh dear. 

38 Aemilianus

 

Aemilanus staged a coup. It was to be the defining moment of his life, from then on, his entire life was about fighting for the empire. Day after day he would work at keeping the purple. He fully believed in his men and their ability to take on the Rhine legions under the command of Valerian. It's a shame no one else believed it...

37 Gallus

What can we say about Gallus? Seriously. What can we say about Gallus. If you can let us know we would be grateful. "He wasn't an awful human being," is possibly the highest praise even his mother could have given him. No wonder the world is in crisis... at least he has his trustworthy friend Valarian to help him...

 

36 Hostilian

This week...Hostilain! And that is about all you need to know about him because if we summarise anymore, we will end telling his whole, sorry, short story. Also this week: The Plague! Smallpox (possibly) is afoot! Ever wanted to know the history of this virus? Well you are in luck, for this week we look at the history of the Pox(small). 

35 Decius

Decius. He took the empire by force, but did he want to? Either way, he is in charge now and he needs to sort out all these problems. Rome is being ravaged by famine, plague, war and death (and the lesser known horseman - economic problems). But fear not! Decius has a plan that will turn everything around... maybe.  

34 Philip

Philip. Big Phil to his friends. We are getting knees-deep into the Crisis now and we are looking for a stong leader to pull us out of the quagmire. Will Philip be that man? Not only does he need to turn around huge political, social and economic forces, he also has a party to prepare: Rome is 1000 years old! Hoorah! Let's go and check the budget for the celebrations....  

33 Gordian III

Gordian III, The Return of the Gordians. Can this young boy of an emperor live up to the glories of Gordian I and II? It's a lot of resposibility: he would have to, for starters, last longer than three weeks; go onto not dying in his first battle or killing himself in his wardrobe. Also: Find out how a furious man named Tim saved the empire for the guitar wielding king of kings, Sharpur.

32 Pupienus

Pupienus. He has a silly name, a long beard and a plan to defeat the mighty Thrax. But will that he enough for the harsh eyes of history to rank him as one of the best? Find out in this episode of Totalus Rankium!

31 Balbinus

The Gordians are dead! Who will stand up to the might of the giant Thrax? Well, not Balbinus, but he'll look after Rome as others go off to stand up to Thrax. Find out how much the citizens of Rome loved his rule... well, those that really, really enjoy an outdoor BBQ anyway.

30 Gordian II

 

Gordian II. The Gordians Strike Back. And die. Horribly. Not much can be said about Gordian II apart from the fact that he is the shortest riegning emperor. He also liked to read, often to all those young ladies that were hanging around all the time... Find out how his ragtag band of merry men faired agaisnt the might of the Empire. 

29 Gordian I

Here we are at last! The Mighty Gordian I. The name that resonates around the world. He was the ruler of Rome for longer than you have been reading this synopsis and changed the course of, if not history, then at least his own life. Battles were fought, revolts led and blood shed (not that he was there). If you dont know about Gordian I, it's time you found out!

28 Maximinus Thrax

 

One day, a lonely boy was born with massive hands. And massive feet. And a massive head. And... well, you get the point. When the emperor passed through this boys village, little did he know that he was about to start the adventure of a lifetime! Rome's first peasent, giant emperor! His enemies would quake and his friends, well, they would quake too. It's time to show Johnny Allimanni a taste of Roman Steel! (as long as we can get through this damn swamp...)

27 Alexander

What do you do when your pushy mother and 40,000 armed men say you should be emperor? Well, you do what Alexander did. he was only 13, and faced with an empire on the brink of disaster. Can he righten the sinking ship? Can he pull the Empire from the edge of a crisis?... no. But he can certainly die trying!  

26 Elagabalus

Bassianus to his mother, Antoninus to the troops (sort of), 'The Assyrian' behind his back and Elagabalus to history. This is one emperor who has made a name (or several) for himself. But who is the man (boy) behind the myth? Did he kill boys? (Probably not) Did he throw cattle at people? (maybe not) Did he invent the Whoopie Cushion? (Yes). What we do know is that the senate hated him. And they have the quills...

25 Macrinus

He did what he had to do to survive... he killed an emperor. Good news: he got away with it! Bad news: he is now emperor. And there is an angry Parthian king wanting to know about this little invasion thing that happened a few weeks ago. And the family of the last emperor is not too pleased. And nor is the senate. Oh well, time to roll up those sleeves and tell the army that they are having a pay cut...

24 Caracalla

Can the empire survive now that it down to just one emperor? Will it cope? Well, it should be fine as long as the man in charge in hard working - check; dedicated to the troops - check; looks to keep the empire protected - check; and doesn't massacre entire cities at the drop of a hat due to one person mentioning his brother... ah. Maybe Caracalla isn't the best man for the job... But he does have a fetching floor-length cloak with a hood that he can stand around looking evil in - that is that.